Crisis and Effective Coping

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Psalm 30:5

We've all been there. The cause of heartache may be different - failed relationships or business; loss of loved one or job; physical or mental illness; abuse; addiction; etc... but the outcome is the same - stress and pain.

The crisis may only affect you, or it may affect the whole family. Either way, it has to be dealt with.

How we handle crisis depends on our perceptions. In other words, it depends on how the mind processes the information and what signals it sends out. We all handle or react to the same crisis very differently not only because of our different personalities and experiences, but also because of the differences in our "family of origin". They all contribute to how our minds function.

Understanding how we or our minds function is very helpful for applying "effective coping" effectively. If you are interested visit this ROOM to find out more about personality, personal styles and family of origin.

In this post, let's focus on how we can get the BEST out of the WORST.

First of all, please keep in mind that it's important to accept and acknowledge all the heartaches and pains you are experiencing. Denying your emotions or feelings only make things worse, because by denying your natural feelings, you are adding more stress upon yourself. Emotions, be it negative or positive, shall not be judged, but simply accepted.

You might be thinking, oh ya, it's easier said than done. Well, that's why I'm going to introduce you something called "ABCX family crisis model" which was first developed by Reuben Hill in order to measure the stress endured by families during the war. This simple model always helps me quickly map out the situation more objectively under the gravity of strong emotions.

ABCX family crisis model. A is the stressor event and the hardships it produces. B is the coping resources you or your family has. C is you or your family's definition of the situation. X is the result of the interaction of the "ABC"--The crisis.

We can say X=A+B+C

The same stressor (A) may produce different level of hardships for different people. In example, Linda, single, lost her job; Tina, a single mom with 2 children, lost her job; Nancy is married with 2 children, her husband has a stable and well-paid job, she lost her job. They both lost their jobs (A, the stressor), but the level of hardship it causes is obviously very different for their families or for them as individuals.

It's a simple fact that although we are all human beings, the resources (B) available to us are not the same. It depends on lots of things, our own educational background, our own family of origin, our society, etc… Harvard students may be aware of saving up a good amount of "walk away" money, while most of the people never heard about it and never thought about it. The "walk away" money is the key to the freedom of saying NO to any job or work that does not comply with our moral standard. Well, my point here is, we don't have the same resources...

"C" - how we define our situation, actually demonstrates our power of control. It reminds us that despite of all the obstacles, it is up to us to decide what we want to get out of life.

So you see, we can't control the level of hardships it causes us when something undesirable happens (A). We can't decide what resources are available at the time a stressful event happens to us (B). But I do have complete control over how we define the situation (C). And if we increase the "C" to a maximum positive, even if the "A" and "B" are both negative, the X - the negative crisis, can be turned into a positiv opportunity in its given circumstances.

Below are the types of stressor event classified in terms of dimensions. (This is just for fun. I sometimes use it to get my mind back to rational thinking from emotional consumption. )

Internal Events that begin from someone inside the family.	External Events that begin from someone or something outside the family
Normative Events that are expected over the family life cycle. Such as marriage, aging, etc.	Non-normative Events that are unexpected. Such as winning a lottery, or war, etc.
Ambiguous Events for which you can't get the facts and that unclear that you are not even sure that it's happening to you and your family.	Non-ambiguous Events for which clear facts are available.(what's happening, when, how long, and to whom.)
Volitional Events that are wanted and sought out, such as a freely chosen job change.	Non-volitional Events that are not sought out but just happen, such as being laid off.
Chronic A situation that has long duration, such as chemical addiction.	Acute An event that lasts a short time but is severe such a breaking a limb
Cumulative Events that pile up, one right after the other, so that there is no resolution before the next one occurs. A dangerous situation in most cases.	Isolated An event that occurs alone, at least with no other events apparent at that time, that can be pinpointed easily.

Source: Pauline Boss, Family Stress Management.

There could be three different outcomes of a personal or family crisis. Let's demonstrate them with our equation X=A+B+C, and suppose C=A+B

1. Higher maturity. You and your families define or perceive the situation as a challenge and an opportunity to grow. X=-A-B+2C;
2. Same level as before. You and your families define or perceive the situation as something you have to cope and deal with. X=-A-B+C
3. Lower level. You and your families define or perceive the situation as undesirable and overwhelming. X=-A-B-C

Our perception and definition of the crisis lead us to react or to cope with the situation in very different ways. I believe we all would like to strive to get the first outcome mentioned above out of a crisis, and avoid the third one. After all, we suffer in crisis anyway, so why not get the best out of our suffering by taking control of how we handle our suffering.

Yes, it's hard, very hard indeed. So ask for hugs from your loved ones whenever it's available to you. If not, give yourself a hug and keep reading.

The foundation of effective coping:

RESILIENCE

Sometimes, we call those who are resilient "The Hardy". Think about the individual Marvel Super Heroes. Now they work together as "Avengers" to save our world. Team Work. Brilliant. What do they have in common that guide them to accomplish their missions. They have their advanced weapons, protections, some kind of super natural powers. But none of those guarantee their success as their enemies have those things too if not even better. The more promising abilities to accomplish a mission rest upon their personal traits: (traits of "the hardy")

• A sense of commitment
• A belief in control
• A willingness to accept challenge

My favourite moments are when the super heroes are totally beaten, but they just won't give up. Don't you just love how determined they look the moment failure seems to be the result? They still choose to either die or die trying.

Ok, super heroes in the movies don't die, and saving the world is not our mission.

But you know, we are the world! Who says we, the "ordinary" people, can't change the world. The world will be different, our society will be different, if we strive to be the best we could be, if we could get the best out of our own worst crisis and situations, if we could be stronger after each trial we go through, if we could hold up the light and hope in the face of our own adversity, the world will be different. Because the bright and resilient spirit we possess will be felt by all those around us and it will pass on.

Ok, enough chicken soup. Let's get practical.

While we are setting off to strengthen our trait of resilience, there are some pitfalls we often fall into. So we should be aware of them and avoid them whenever possible:

• Denial: It's perhaps the most common way people cope with crises. It's a defence mechanism in which we choose to dismiss what we see, thus shield ourselves from feeling hurt. It's a very normal response to crisis. Especially in the initial stage of a shock, it gives us the time we need to process and find our ways to bring out constructive solutions. But if we deny the existence of a problem for a long-term, we are signing up for destruction. The problems is on their way to find their solutions the moment we acknowledge their existence.
• Avoidance: While the problems are on their way to find solutions, they will definitely get lost when we start running away from them. We all know, it takes energy and strength to run! So why not save that energy and deal with the problems once for all? Stop running, stand still. We all have our fears. It's OK if we try to avoid something that is too hard to confront or deal with at the beginning. We are human beings, it's a natural internal dynamic to run away from something makes us feel threatened. However, it's a guaranteed failure if we do not stop running. The problems might turn into a monster called depression and consume us.
• Scapegoating: This is the most silly and useless game we play -- the blaming game. Just do not play the game.

Upon avoiding the pitfalls, let's explore what we can do to build or strengthen our resilient trait in crisis: (these are the effective coping tools you might want to take with you)

• Take responsibility. The way to any success begins with taking responsibility, isn't it?
• Affirm or reassure your own/your family's worth. Let's face it. In a personal or family crisis, our "self-image", "self-worth", "self-esteem", are at stake. Be it being laid off, or going through a separation or divorce, or being abused, having an addiction... It's tough, it hurts. Yes, at that point, we may be weeping through the night, and maybe not just one night. It's OK to cry. We should allow ourselves to cry as much as we need to. But at the last drop of our tears, know that we are worthy of love, worthy of all good things. Collect the power of calmness and confidence, let us focus on getting over the CHALLENGE.
• Balance self-concern with other-concern. Have you ever felt like you were totally absorbed in your own pain and suffering? Or have you ever totally ignored your own well-being and only focused on the well-being of others? Self-focused and other-focused are both self-destructive. Because they both may generate resentment towards other family members and friends. Sharing is a great key to balance our concerns. We don't have to carry our pain alone in a crisis, and we don't want our loved ones to carry the pain alone in a crisis. Be aware of our own needs and be aware of others needs. Some challenges can be overcome much easier together than alone.
• Learn the art of reframing. "Reframing" is widely used in the field of cognitive psychology. As mentioned before in the ABCX crisis model, the outcome of a crisis depends on how we define it. The cognitive reframing is efficient in helping our mind restructure our perceptions upon the crises. It takes some practice to master it, but it definitely worth the effort. Well, let's make it as simple as possible. In the scenario of a personal crisis, maybe it's helpful to project yourself into the future and have some fun imagining your possible success, and then looking back from the future, how would you define the current situation? Can you see how the current situation might force you to grow in some way? What steps would you have to take to be what you want to be in the future? Actually, with practicing, you might gain the ability to take all problems and crises as challenges or opportunities to improve yourself.
• Find and use available resources. When we are in a crisis, when it's the time we need help most, it's also the time that we are most unlikely to reach for help, especially if it's associated with some degree of shame we might feel. In fact, most of the crises would make us feel ashamed, except natural disasters. So, don't forget to affirm your own worth and reframe your perception. You see, "avengers" now need each other to prevent or get out of a disaster. Search and reach for help.

Families are always the most important and the essential available resources to us in a crisis, especially when the crisis affect all the family members. We need to build solid relationships with our loved ones and lay the firm foundation so that it can sustain us during the hard times. Below is just a list of some things we can do to build strong family relationships during the calm and easy times.

• learn to foster problem-solving and manage conflict together
• celebrate birthdays, and special events together
• communicate your emotions, aspirations, dreams, beliefs...
• learn financial management
• encourage and support each other to be resilient
• pay attention to each other's physical and emotional health
• do leisure activities together
• accept each others personality and behaviour
• stay connected to social support network of relatives and friends
• share routines such as family meals and chores
• create some family traditions that carry over from one generation to another
• remember that "families that work together, stay together"

Thank you for reading. Let's get the best out of the worst. :)

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