Effective Communication

Communication is the act of conveying meanings from one entity or group to another through the use of mutually understood signs, symbols, and semiotic rules.

---

We communicate all the time, but we may not always convey or get the messages right. Don't you think it's very challenging to actually reach the point of "mutually understood"?

"When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean--neither more nor less."(Through the Looking-Glass by Lewis Carroll) What do you think? Arrogant, huh? How would you respond to that?

If I am in a very bad mood, and just want to pick a fight, I might say, "I don't care what you choose it to mean, this is how I choose this word to mean, ..., neither more nor less!".

If I feel offended by the statement, I might reply, "well, what you choose it to mean is not what I choose it mean, so use another word if you think you are misunderstood."

If I actually want to understand, I might reply, "so what exactly does that word mean to you? Could you please explain?"

Why mutual understanding takes effort and shouldn't be taken for granted? The communication process could shine a light for us.

Communication Process

When we communicate, we interact with each other in both verbal and nonverbal ways.

In verbal communication, alhtough we may not be as arrogant and as ignorant as Humpty Dumpty in Through the Looking-Glass (hopefully not), we still often automatically assume that the other person get what we intent to mean. But how the other person "translate" our statements might be very different than what we intended.

In nonverbal ways or behaviours:

• we may complement our words or we may contradict our words. If I say I love you and embrace you, my nonverbal behaviour confirms my words to you. If I say I love you and my body tries to keep a safe distance, my nonverbal communication and my verbal communication are in conflict.
• we may repeat our message. It means we have developed some kind of shared meanings or reached a mutual understanding about a behaviour that it becomes a special language between us. In intimate relationships, a hug after an argument, may mean "I'm sorry", a kiss may express "I love you". No words needed. Isn't it beautiful?
• we may regulate communication. When we listen to someone, we give them feedback while they are talking by nodding or frowning. We signal the speaker that we are listening.
• we may substitute it for words.
• we may accent the verbal message. We may use our nonverbal cue to make a speaking point stand out.
• we may trigger attributions. The receiving end may pick up on our nonverbal cues and attribute various motivations and feelings to us.
• we may influence both the attitude and the behaviour of others.

When we communicate, our minds go through an encoding and decoding process of the verbal and nonverbal ways to convey meanings to or receive meanings from someone.

Source: Encyclopædia Britannica, Inc

Emotions and feelings would be inevitably involved in our communications. We all have an emotional system being shaped upon our past experience. While decoding messages others send to us, our emotional system plays a great role. That's why we often misinterpret others messages and intentions, and why we often feel misunderstood.

When we see this gesture, (as nonverbal communication), our brain will decode it based on our past experience.

If that's what we do to greet our close friends in our past experience, our brain would signal this gestures as friendly greetings, and we will feel happy and relaxed.

But if we've been abused in the past, our brain would interpret it as danger, and we will feel the fear, and react to your own emotional system, regardless of the real intend of this gesture.

---

Impediments to Communication

The Poor Listening

There are few listening styles that impede effective communication. We may habitually using them or fall into them occasionally. I've fallen into all of them, and I still fall into some of them very often and others on occasions. It takes awareness and practice. J.Krishnamutrti, one of my favourite philosopher, believes that it takes "passive awareness" to be able to truly listen and understand, as "active awareness" makes us receive information selectively while "passive awareness" allows us to receive all the information that is being conveyed to us. Well, the awareness part might sound a bit too hard to apply, we can definitely avoid falling into the poor listening styles if we pay attention.

• The Faker. Yes, fakers fake it. They pretend to listen, but actually they don't hear anything of what the speaker is saying. If you are in a boring conference, and your mind can't help wandering in the clouds, what would you do? You fake it, right? It's better than falling in sleep in front of the speaker.
• The Dependent Listener. "People pleasers" are very likely to be "dependent listeners". Because when the motivation is set for pleasing someone, we would be so focused on whether the speaker likes us and has a good impression about us that we don't really hear what the speaker is saying. As people pleasers normally don't have the ability to build genuine relationships, neither could dependent listeners build fulfilling relationships. (I will write about that in another post)
• The Interrupter. The interrupters don't let others finish. Have you ever felt like you were "brain storming" while the other person was talking? You thought the ideas and opinions came to your mind was so brilliant that you have to interrupt the speaker and start telling what's on your mind before you forgot? I guess, most of us had done that on some occasions. And, obviously, if our minds have been busy with "brain storming", we are listening to ourselves, not the speaker.
• The Self-Conscious Listener. We all more or less care about what and how others think about us. Our self-consciousness is basically an autonomy of our mind. In the field of positive psychology, the "flow" is considered to be a mind state free of self-consciousness. Concentration on a specific task is the key to that flow state. Take meditation as an example, the first step is to bring your attention to each breath you are taking, concentrating on your breath helps you set your mind to that "flow state" so that you can be free of self-consciousness. Self-consciousness impede effective communication because it's the barrier to the genuine intention of understanding others.
• The Intellectual Listener. They are obviously very smart. Their mind perhaps are very well trained for logical and systemic thinking. You might find it's a bit hard to communicate your feelings or emotions to them, because they would be busy analysing your all words rationally and let all your nonverbal cues slip away. Consider Sheldon in the TV series Big Bang Theory. We may not be as extreme as Sheldon, but we all perhaps use this style when we are in an argument with someone or when all we want is to prove that we are right!

Destructive Messages

Besides the poor listening styles, the negative messages we send out (verbally or nonverbally) in our communication would definitely lay a foundation to communication destruction.

Psychologist Gottman pointed out some negativity in communication can damage a relationship, he named 4 of the most corrosive ways of sending negative messages "the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse". They are:

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling

He Believes that those four "horseman" are likely to be a sequence. You can find out more about them on their Gottman Institute Blog

Other than those four "horseman", there are lots of other ways we consciously or unconsciously use to send out messages that could be unpleasant and offensive to the receiving end, thus make communication ineffective and bring damages to relationships. They are:

• Ordering: No one wants to be ordered to do things. we don't need a boss outside of the workplace. And actually, good leaders are aware of avoiding giving orders and do use effective communications to get things done.
• Threatening: We don't like bullies and we don't want to be one. People who threaten others are likely to engage in power struggle. You can see the bullies in the movies are generally have their own inferiority issues, they are not really the strong ones.
• Moralising: Making others feel guilty or inferior... End of conversation...
• Providing solutions: Solutions are good. But sometimes it's really not about the nail in the head (You may have seen it. It's a funny video.Different people will interpret this video differently as we've discussed before about communication process). My point here is that when we feel we are understood, especially by our partners or loved ones, we have the abilities or the will power to actually search and find solutions to our own problems on our own.
• Lecturing: Unless in the classroom where the professor needs to give a lecture and the students have to take the lecture to pass the course, please don't communicate with this style in daily life with anyone. It's just too forceful to make real communication to possibly happen.
• Ridiculing: No need to explain why this is a bad way to send out messages regardless of the intentions.
• Analysing: When we analysing others, like the intellectual listener mentioned above, we force our own interpretations of others' intentions and motivations on them. Analysing not only intrusive but also aggressive. Professional debaters might adopt this for the sake of winning a debate. The beauty of debating does not lie in communication, but in manifesting the power of our minds. I myself love debating shows, but they are really far from effective communication.
• Interrogating: If analysing is intrusive and aggressive, then interrogating is a display of intrusion, aggression and distrust. When police officers interrogate a suspect, they just want to get what they need out of the suspect. Their intention is not to communicate with the suspect effectively. When necessary at some stage, they will call for negotiation expert.

If we are the receiving end of the those messages, we would inevitably generate resentment, anger, resistance, even low self-esteem. If you are in a long-term relationship with someone who can only communicate this way, you might need some professional help as being the receiving end of those messages could really destroy your well-being both mentally and physically. With that being said, allow me to add a cliché, do not impose on others what we don't want for ourselves.

The possible reason behind all the destructive messages

If we pay closer attention to all the destructive ways we communicate, I believe we could conclude that all of them share one same pattern which is superiority.

Although defensiveness and stonewalling do not follow a pattern of superiority, they signal blames in a way of passive aggression.

Criticising, contempt, ordering, threatening, moralising, providing solutions, lecturing, ridiculing, analysing, interrogating, all of them engage unbalanced and unequal power and status.

Why do we have the need or sometimes even feel compelled to convey our messages in such destructive ways? What interest or benefit does it serve us? Some possible reasons could be building up our own self-esteem, feeling in in control, escaping our own inferiority... Only when we see our own hidden motivations, can we start making a radical change in our way of communication.

It's not that we should never provide a solution or never analyse, etc. In some situations, they are really necessary and appropriate. But we should not let them become a "communication style". They are harmful to relationships and reflect a degree of narcissism, and generally not helpful in conveying a message effectively.

Effective Communication

There is a voice that doesn't use words.

Listen.

-Rumi-

When we have some insights about how our mind functions in the communication process and aware of the communication impediments, effective communications becomes achievable.

• Rephrasing. After the speaker finishes, summarise and rephrase what you actually hear. This is to check the accuracy of your understanding in order to filter out any possible misunderstanding caused by the different ways to encode and decode the messages. (remember how our mind functions in the process of communication?) Another benefit is that if you need to summarise and rephrase, you will have to listen very carefully with a real intention. It in a way forces you to be an effective listener which means you make an effort to avoid:
  1. distractions (including all the poor listening styles)
  2. emotional reactions (that's a hard one as we explained above, but do your best to have it under control)
  3. preset expectation and assumptions
  4. subjective or negative interpretations
• Validating. After the verification or clarification, don't forget to validate the message being conveyed to you. There are three meanings behind it.
  1. Take the meaning of conveyed message as they are intended.
  2. Accept without judgement. (You don't need to agree)
  3. Show understanding. (If you really don't understand, don't pretend, be open and do the next step.)
• Self-disclosure. Communication can not reach its effectiveness without self-disclosure. I don't mean we should be an open book. What I mean here is we need to have the ability to honestly express what we want to convey without the fear of rejection in a calm and non-defensive way.

Although effective communication doesn't guarantee consensus, it reaches the genuine exchange of opinions and feelings on the real issues that need to be addressed instead of getting trapped in communication static. Effective Communication takes practice. As you can see, there are lots of theories behind those 3 steps. It is simplified, but definitely doesn't mean it is easy to do.

By practicing effective communication, we are actually helping ourselves progress to be a better version of who we are.

Thank you for reading. Feel free to share your thoughts with me. Name and email address are not required for leaving a reply. :)