Falling in Love and Successful Romantic Relationship Development
Falling in Love
I have to admit that at least for me personally, I feel it is very hard to fall in love, although I do love people.
There are lots of books actually teaching people how to make other people fall in love with them. I'm not sure if the "techniques" would really work. But one thing I'm sure about is that because I am aware of those techniques, I would not fall for them.
So maybe it's helpful that we find some different perspectives about falling in love.
Love defined by ancient Greek has 4 different types. They use 4 different words for those 4 different types of love:
The word "Storge" is used for the love and affection found between parents and their children.
The word "philia" is used for the kind of love between friends. It involves sharing, affection and commitment. It's intimate and intense. After all, our true friends are those who share very similar perspectives on life with us, who always get our backs, who understand us and never judge us.
The word "Eros" is used for the love between men and women. You can see it's the root of the word "erotic". Aristotle said that eros makes people long to be in each other's presence --which means it's more than lust and desire for sex. I guess we can say this kind of love is the passion we feel for another.
The word"agape" is used for the love that is independent of one's feelings for another. I guess the best way to put it is that it is the kind of "christ-like love" or "pure love of Christ" in terms of Christianity. It means, regardless of our own personal feelings toward another, we will choose to have the best interest of another in mind and act accordingly.
In our world or society today, the word "love" also means different things to different people. (check Effective Communication) . The book Five Love Languages defines 5 different ways people express and receive love.
The Process of Falling in Love
Sociologist Ira Reiss characterised the process of love into four separate but interrelated process:
rapport: a harmonious and comfortable relationship
self-disclosure: developing intimacy
mutual dependency: the need for each other to be present
intimacy need fulfilment: when intimacy need fulfilled, we are falling in love
While checking out our feelings about another person that we feel attracted to, we may want to be aware of Misattribution of Arousal and avoid mistaking it for love.
Test Your Love
In the book Love and Addiction, psychologist Stanton Peele listed some questions to consider:
Do you and your lover each believe in your own personal value? That is, do you think well of yourself as a person? Do you have high self-esteem?
Has your relationship improved each of you? Are you in some way a better, stronger, more attractive individual? Do you value the relationship because of that improvement?
Do you each maintain some separate interests? Do you have meaningful relationships apart from your lover?
Is your relationship an integral part of your total life rather than a kind of side interest?
Are you each capable of respecting the other's growth and interests without being possessive or jealous?
Are you friends? Would you still want to relate to each other even if you weren't lovers?
Types of Love
The most popular or well known theory is the Triangular Theory of Love by Sternberg.
image by mindfuljouney.life
image by mindfuljourney.life
Falling in Love or Selecting Mate?
Concerning romantic relationships, is it a matter of developing a perfect true love with someone or is it a matter of selecting a mate/life partner?
I guess, we have our own answers to that question. It has something to do with what we believe. If you believe in love, I guess, you will not marry someone you don't love. If you believe in marriage, your priority may be selecting a good partner that will be able to support you in a family setting.
As for me, I believe in eternal marriage and family which means that death will not separate me from my loved ones. I believe in both love and marriage. And no, I don't believe in the only one Mr. or Miss. Right thing.
I believe love is an ability. I believe relationship is a choice. I believe in the notion:
Choose your love. Love your choice
Thomas S.Monson
After all, our own decision and commitment is a key element to the consummate love we all long for.
Choosing our love
The ABCs of mate selecting
George Levinger postulated a five-phase development of romantic relationships:
A. Awareness of or Acquaintance with another person
B. Buildup of the relationship
C. Continuation of following Commitment to a longterm relationship (which may result in marriage for many couples)
D. Deterioration or Decline in the interdependence of the couple
E. Ending of the relationship
Sure enough, not all of us would follow those steps from top to bottom. We may jump around as we please when dating someone. We think following our hearts or being spontaneous is fun and exciting. Yes, that's why we like dating.
On the other hand, if we seriously consider to choose one partner to form an intimate loving relationship and to build a family together with that person for the rest of our lives, we may really want to follow those steps and not jump around. And hopefully, we may find the one person that makes us go through the step ABC and be content there without ever wanting to do the D and E.
Don't be fooled by the popular belief that marriages/long-term relationships kill love.
As time pass by, the passion may reasonably reduce, but intimacy and commitment may increase, and they in return may rekindle that passion from time to time. It is in the marriage and long-term relationship that consummate love is made possible to achieve.
Marriages and relationships require "team work". People change. Accidents happen. Nothing guarantees success of a marriage or life. But this is what I believe:
Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.
-A Proclamation To the World-
After all I can do, I trust my all in the hand and tender care of my Savior Jesus Christ. What about you?
Thank you for reading. : )